Selfish Mother-in-Law refuses to look after grandkids, despite making promise
For anyone, navigating parenthood is difficult. No matter how much you love them, there are moments when having extra responsibility for one or more small humans can really wear you out.
Thus, the woman and her spouse jumped at the chance when the mother-in-law offered to help look after her child so they could save money on daycare.
However, this woman’s mother-in-law chose to back out of her commitment after making it, which put her and her husband in a difficult situation. As a result, the woman wrote to us asking for advice. To find out more, continue reading!
After describing her circumstances, Sarah wrote to us asking for advice. She said, “My husband and I have been together and married for about 7 years.” We both served in the military when we first met, and we left our positions there not long after. Soon after, we learned we were expecting and gave birth to our nearly two-year-old son. We took a seat and made a plan for our future home.
Sarah went on to write that she and her husband had talked about relocating to a particular state, and that this had been their plan for some time—especially since she had a fantastic job opportunity with amazing benefits there.
For anyone, navigating parenthood is difficult. No matter how much you love them, there are moments when having extra responsibility for one or more small humans can really wear you out.
Thus, the woman and her spouse jumped at the chance when the mother-in-law offered to help look after her child so they could save money on daycare.
However, this woman’s mother-in-law chose to back out of her commitment after making it, which put her and her husband in a difficult situation. As a result, the woman wrote to us asking for advice. To find out more, continue reading!
After describing her circumstances, Sarah wrote to us asking for advice. She said, “My husband and I have been together and married for about 7 years.” We both served in the military when we first met, and we left our positions there not long after. Soon after, we learned we were expecting and gave birth to our nearly two-year-old son. We took a seat and made a plan for our future home.
Sarah went on to write that she and her husband had talked about relocating to a particular state, and that this had been their plan for some time—especially since she had a fantastic job opportunity with amazing benefits there.
The in-laws were upset that Sarah and her husband had told them about their plan because they didn’t want to be that far away from their grandchild.
We agreed under the impression that this would be the plan, and I took a significant pay cut to take them up on this offer. “At the time, my MIL was a stay-at-home mom/wife because her children were all high school age or older. If we moved there, she would watch our child so neither of us would have to cover the cost of childcare,” Sarah wrote.
But, it seems that things went south quickly after Sarah and her husband moved in closer proximity to her in-laws. Her mother-in-law declared she “didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore” and expressed a desire to work full-time during the hours that Sarah and her husband would be at work.
“We asked if it was a financial issue, and she simply said, ‘No, but I just miss working,’” Sarah continued. “Well, I guess you guys have to put him in daycare,” she said when we asked what we should do about childcare.
Sarah said, understandably, that she was very disappointed about this because she had already found work.
“At this point, my spouse is unable to work due to the expense of child care and is staying at home. My marriage to my MIL as well as to my husband has strained as a result of this. I always find myself on edge and irrationally angry. I’m at a loss for how to stop myself from yelling at everyone and everything right now,” Sarah said.
Sarah’s email prompted us to contact Dr. Ray Christner, Psy.D., NCSP, a psychologist in Pennsylvania, who kindly provided his expert counsel.
“I’m sorry to hear about your situation, which sounds both challenging and frustrating,” he wrote in his opening line. Anyone would become anxious and upset if their carefully thought-out plan suddenly changed course and became unplanned. This is especially true if it has a substantial negative impact on the financial and emotional health of your family.
Then, Dr. Ray said that it made sense that Sarah was under stress, reminding her that her emotions were real and not irrational. Even though there might not be a perfect solution, let’s look at some actions you can take to get past this trying time.
“First and foremost, it’s important to maintain open communication,” he says. It would be ideal if you and your spouse had a candid discussion about how this is impacting your emotional and financial well-being. Recognize the strain it is placing on both of you individually and in your relationship. As a team, consider potential solutions by brainstorming together. Recall that you and he are the ones opposing the issue.
The next thing Sarah needs to do, according to Dr. Ray, is to get in touch with her mother-in-law. “While I accept that your MIL’s decision to change her mind is disappointing, you also have to respect her right to pursue her career and happiness. It’s important to speak with her and let her know that the situation is what’s frustrating you, not her.
Though “not as an accusation but as a statement of fact,” he makes recommendations on how Sarah can honestly express her emotions and the stress her MIL’s choice has placed on her family.
“You could even say something along the lines of, ‘I’m happy for you and your decision to go back to work.’” However, I was unprepared for it, and now I’m feeling overburdened and angry. I’m upset about the circumstances we find ourselves in, not about you. Dr. Ray advises, “You can also ask for her assistance and see if a compromise can be found.”
He says, “Look into different childcare options that might be more affordable or convenient,” in reference to the childcare dilemmas. There are community or military family programs that occasionally provide childcare at a reduced cost. Additionally, keep in mind how important it is to network with other local parents as this frequently creates opportunities. I’ve worked with families that were able to find alternatives like co-ops for babysitting or shared nannies.
Dr. Ray says that even though Sarah needs to solve the situation, she also needs to consider her own emotional health while dealing with these real-world problems. One recommendation he makes is to find constructive ways to release tension and annoyance.
“This could be as easy as going for a walk, working out, doing hobbies, spending time with your husband and son, or asking for help from friends,” Dr. Ray writes. Additionally, there are many advantages to using mindfulness and relaxation exercises to control your anger and stop you from yelling at your loved ones. You can use a lot of fantastic smartphone apps, like Calm, Breathe2Relax, and Now, to start, to assist with this.
Lastly, Dr. Ray counsels Sarah to never forget that it’s acceptable to ask for assistance, even if it means relying on other family members or friends. As they can assist Sarah in processing her feelings and “offer an objective person to guide problem-solving options,” mental health professionals like psychologists, therapists, or counselors are another resource he suggests Sarah consult.
Dr. Ray says, “You don’t have to handle this situation alone.”
“You will move through this challenging time with open communication, teaming with your husband, some creative problem-solving around the childcare dilemma, and a focus on taking care of your emotional well-being,” he says, acknowledging that Sarah is undoubtedly in a difficult situation. Never forget to be supportive of one another and to take things one step at a time.
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